Friday, 23 December 2016

A Relationship Update

The Boy and I broke up. Which makes it sound like a joint decision, and maybe it would have been easier if it was; the more accurate description is he broke up with me.

He tried, I think, to do it slowly and gently because he thought, I hope, that would be kinder to me. It wasn’t.

A hint for any would be heart breakers: be direct and to the point, do not deviate from your message and do not ever under any circumstances change your mind mid-conversation. Telling someone you do still love them and want them to be a part of your life and kissing them is not comforting in those circumstances, it’s borderline abusive really.

The thing about being in a long distance relationship is all these strange coping mechanisms you build for yourself become part of the norm. Even though it’s such an utterly unnatural state to be in, humans are social creatures we crave contact. I’ve lost count of the number of articles I’ve seen about studies proving the numerous benefits of hugs. So it basically feels like you have to re-programme your brain in order to love someone and be very far away from them for significant lengths of time.

I’d made it so that it didn’t matter where I was working or he was living, in my mind I was home if we were together. Even if we were on holiday in a country neither of us had ever visited, that’s what home felt like because I could reach out and touch him. He made me feel secure and content and like some tiny patch of universe was not beyond my comprehension.

If you make your home a person, if all the other places you’ve been haven’t felt like home because he isn’t there, when you find out that he doesn’t feel the same way and doesn’t want to build the future you’ve been talking about and planning together then, when that happens, everything turns to ash.

It’s the stupid details that keep catching me out: I don’t use Facebook that much, my relationship status on there has been behind a privacy wall for years but changing it from “In a Relationship” had me crying. The password for my laptop is his name and GMC number, and because it’s a random string of numbers that isn’t immediately connectable to me like a date of birth would be I use it as a password for lots of things. So I need to find a new password and go through changing them.

There’s loads of stuff I had as present ideas bookmarked or saved in my Amazon wishlist ready to be ordered.

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. That’s true. Doesn’t help though, doesn’t help you get over the future you’re not going to have, doesn’t help the fact you didn’t know the person you thought you knew best of all, doesn’t help the fact that now all your plans need to be re-visited and sized up as adventures for one.

Merry Christmas.

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