Friday, 7 August 2015

(Not) Dealing With Anxiety

I wish anxiety was more like asthma.

Or I wish anxiety could be treated as easily as asthma. Or maybe I don't know what I'm wishing for and ought to be more careful, I'm not asthmatic, the closest I've had to a chest problem was a nasty of bout fresher's flu that made me wheeze if I went outside and tried to something silly like walk up a slight hill.

But from what I've heard they're sort of similar. Tight chest, no air, a rising sense of panic, brought on by something or nothing.

Asthmatics grab their inhaler, breath a puff of magical steroid filled air and the tightness lifts, they lose the feeling of their chest imploding and exploding all at once.

I know it's probably not that easy, I know asthma kills people. But so does depression and anxiety.

I read somewhere that in the first place cigarettes don't really give you a buzz because of the nicotine, that it's just the slow act of dragging on a cigarette that gives you that feeling of calm and quiet. The nicotine takes ages to build to the point of addiction, you don't start smoking because of nicotine, you start because you're addicted to oxygen and taking five minutes to savour it.

The idea of it though, a cigarette I mean, becomes almost an appealing medication. I don't have an inhaler but maybe the little death stick would have a similar effect? I cloud of mild drugs that push out the anxiety.

I expect what would really help is a decent spliff, but that's a little less socially acceptable during the work day.

So I don't smoke, because I know that's not what I really want. I want some magical cure that I inhale like Inner Peace and when I exhale it drags all the bad thoughts with it. If it exists it's probably just called Deep Breathing Exercises which is far to uninvolved and hippy-esque to feel like a proper help.

I don't drink either, because I trained myself to revere expensive single malt whisky and I figure I should save my money to drink something I really can appreciate rather than waste all my money on alcopops that just get me wasted. It doesn't really help with the anxiety but it does give a totally legitimate excuse not to wonder if the alcohol would help and thus reduces the risks of becoming an alcoholic. When I become a wildly successful something and have money to burn on enough Scotch to get throughly rat arsed regularly at least I'll be able to afford rehab.

I do find melocholia helps in small doses, allowing yourself to wallow and contemplate a variety of self destructive responses gives you at least something close to an aim.

Mostly though I've started just trying accept my anxiety, like a twisted sort of hayfever it's annoying when it strikes but I just have to let it wash over me and hope this wave isn't the one that drowns me.


1 comment:

  1. Never let your mind be empty of stuff to do, and exercise a lot. Helps me, although I could murder a gin fizz right now!

    ReplyDelete