Tuesday, 18 April 2017

From the Drafts... January 2017

This does not feel like a fresh start, I am not looking forward with ideas and hope and excitement to the next 12 months for quite possibly the first time in my, admittedly short, life.

It's not that I enjoyed 2016, it has been a year that will be recalled with a shudder for plenty of the people who survived it and mine was no different. But all the things I've lost I'm not ready to let go of.

I've had epiphanies about the things I was working towards, both in my career and my personal life, and previous goals no longer apply.

Nothing is wasted, I don't have regrets about working towards those things because they were what I wanted, I've still benefitted from those lessons I learnt and those opportunities they presented.

This time last year I had a job that let me see another narrow corner of the world, a job I shouldn't have gone back to while I was dealing with the turmoil of loss- and because of that it's a job I can't go back to.

I cannot escape the fact that last year my dad died (I feel a bit like a broken record mentioning it again, but it happened and I'm still dealing with it and not talking about it doesn't make it any less of a factor for me) every day and year that passes takes me further away from the last time I hugged him.

(At that point I gave up because I started crying again and couldn't see the keyboard, so I saved the post and meant to return to it early than this.)

Friday, 23 December 2016

A Relationship Update

The Boy and I broke up. Which makes it sound like a joint decision, and maybe it would have been easier if it was; the more accurate description is he broke up with me.

He tried, I think, to do it slowly and gently because he thought, I hope, that would be kinder to me. It wasn’t.

A hint for any would be heart breakers: be direct and to the point, do not deviate from your message and do not ever under any circumstances change your mind mid-conversation. Telling someone you do still love them and want them to be a part of your life and kissing them is not comforting in those circumstances, it’s borderline abusive really.

The thing about being in a long distance relationship is all these strange coping mechanisms you build for yourself become part of the norm. Even though it’s such an utterly unnatural state to be in, humans are social creatures we crave contact. I’ve lost count of the number of articles I’ve seen about studies proving the numerous benefits of hugs. So it basically feels like you have to re-programme your brain in order to love someone and be very far away from them for significant lengths of time.

I’d made it so that it didn’t matter where I was working or he was living, in my mind I was home if we were together. Even if we were on holiday in a country neither of us had ever visited, that’s what home felt like because I could reach out and touch him. He made me feel secure and content and like some tiny patch of universe was not beyond my comprehension.

If you make your home a person, if all the other places you’ve been haven’t felt like home because he isn’t there, when you find out that he doesn’t feel the same way and doesn’t want to build the future you’ve been talking about and planning together then, when that happens, everything turns to ash.

It’s the stupid details that keep catching me out: I don’t use Facebook that much, my relationship status on there has been behind a privacy wall for years but changing it from “In a Relationship” had me crying. The password for my laptop is his name and GMC number, and because it’s a random string of numbers that isn’t immediately connectable to me like a date of birth would be I use it as a password for lots of things. So I need to find a new password and go through changing them.

There’s loads of stuff I had as present ideas bookmarked or saved in my Amazon wishlist ready to be ordered.

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. That’s true. Doesn’t help though, doesn’t help you get over the future you’re not going to have, doesn’t help the fact you didn’t know the person you thought you knew best of all, doesn’t help the fact that now all your plans need to be re-visited and sized up as adventures for one.

Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

Ripples of Grief

My dad died on Monday 1st August 2016. A little after sunrise. Some time between 6.45 and 7.15, we weren't exactly clock watching.

He has been gone now for one month and one week, 38 days.

Tomorrow is my parents wedding anniversay. Would have been.

There is a lake of sadness inside of me that is just sat there. It flooded in and I don't know how to remove it.

I can go down to the shore of it and try to let some of it evaporate, but mostly right now I'm just leaving to do what water does. It's seeping into the cracks of my life finding edges it can smooth away, finding parts that seem solid until they're cracked open and fall apart to reveal a whole new cliff face.

Sometimes something happens and a wave crashes over me, I end up sobbing in a coffee shop . That's okay. These things happen. I wish I had some tissues though.

I've never lost a parent before so this is a new learning curve for me, it's going to take as long as it takes. There is no deadline and no bonus points for getting over it first.

I really miss you Dad.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

My New Resloution

We're already past the first week of 2016 and I don't know where the time's gone!

I love the theory of New Years resloutions, the idea of self improvement and completing a self set goal should be encouraged, but I'm rubbish at sticking to them. So I'm not going to make a resloution this year, but I am going to give myself a mission statement. Which is totally differnet and not just semantics.

2016 - The Year of Taking Advantage of Oppotunities

Not the snappiest of statements, but it's what I want to do. I don't want another week to go by this year where I look back and ask myself what I've done. I want something to show for every week: another page of my book, a photograph I'm proud of, to improve a skill. Hell, I'll be happy if I can put together a new blog post every week.

This is a nice and vague one, so I'm not going to feel like a failure if I don't hit a number on the scale. I want to stop wasting so much time, getting sucked into the tumblr vortex or scrolling through Twitter. I want to put my ideas into practise, not just get addicted to the brain crack I have things that I thought of years ago that I haven't really done anything with because I'm not sure I can do them as well as I'd want to. Which isn't really the point.

This time next year I'd like to have less ideas and more things to show for them, talk less do more.

I own hundreds of pounds worth of excellent photography equipment, if we take into account my computer and software, and the fact I can borrow my dad's stuff with relative ease, then we're probably talking about thousands of pounds of awesome technology I have access to and don't utilise to it's full extent.

I have a job that is really stressful when it's intense but also allows for a lot of downtime, and occassionally the fates align so that my down time is in new and interesting places. Working with an older generation and living with the fact my dad has cancer is making really aware of the fact life is too damn short.

It's too short to waste missing the people you love, it's too short to not try every new thing that comes up, it's too short to not grab opportunities or make them. People become bitter and twisted so quickly, I don't want to be blowing out 40 candles and wondering where my life went. I want to know that the next 40 years will be just as full as the first.

Friday, 7 August 2015

(Not) Dealing With Anxiety

I wish anxiety was more like asthma.

Or I wish anxiety could be treated as easily as asthma. Or maybe I don't know what I'm wishing for and ought to be more careful, I'm not asthmatic, the closest I've had to a chest problem was a nasty of bout fresher's flu that made me wheeze if I went outside and tried to something silly like walk up a slight hill.

But from what I've heard they're sort of similar. Tight chest, no air, a rising sense of panic, brought on by something or nothing.

Asthmatics grab their inhaler, breath a puff of magical steroid filled air and the tightness lifts, they lose the feeling of their chest imploding and exploding all at once.

I know it's probably not that easy, I know asthma kills people. But so does depression and anxiety.

I read somewhere that in the first place cigarettes don't really give you a buzz because of the nicotine, that it's just the slow act of dragging on a cigarette that gives you that feeling of calm and quiet. The nicotine takes ages to build to the point of addiction, you don't start smoking because of nicotine, you start because you're addicted to oxygen and taking five minutes to savour it.

The idea of it though, a cigarette I mean, becomes almost an appealing medication. I don't have an inhaler but maybe the little death stick would have a similar effect? I cloud of mild drugs that push out the anxiety.

I expect what would really help is a decent spliff, but that's a little less socially acceptable during the work day.

So I don't smoke, because I know that's not what I really want. I want some magical cure that I inhale like Inner Peace and when I exhale it drags all the bad thoughts with it. If it exists it's probably just called Deep Breathing Exercises which is far to uninvolved and hippy-esque to feel like a proper help.

I don't drink either, because I trained myself to revere expensive single malt whisky and I figure I should save my money to drink something I really can appreciate rather than waste all my money on alcopops that just get me wasted. It doesn't really help with the anxiety but it does give a totally legitimate excuse not to wonder if the alcohol would help and thus reduces the risks of becoming an alcoholic. When I become a wildly successful something and have money to burn on enough Scotch to get throughly rat arsed regularly at least I'll be able to afford rehab.

I do find melocholia helps in small doses, allowing yourself to wallow and contemplate a variety of self destructive responses gives you at least something close to an aim.

Mostly though I've started just trying accept my anxiety, like a twisted sort of hayfever it's annoying when it strikes but I just have to let it wash over me and hope this wave isn't the one that drowns me.